Monday, April 9, 2012

Awkward conversations no one really wants to have

While I am certain that there are a million awkward things moms and dads will have to talk to their little boys about I don't actually have one so I am sticking to what I know. Awkward, and sometimes frustrating conversations with tween to teenage girls. Odd area of expertise, but since I now have a 12 going on 40 year old soon to be teenager I have been through many an awkward conversation.

Oh young one, stay small forever!

I would like to take the time here to say THANK YOU to my wonderful mother who can clearly see the future and predicted every single one of these conversations with her the fictional granddaughter by announcing "Someday you will have a daughter, and I hope she is just like you" curses. I am most definitely getting EXACTLY what I deserve.

If you have a darling daughter who has not yet reached the tween - teen years yet. Formulate your plan of attack carefully. These things come in stages, creeping up on you in seemingly harmless conversations and will one day culminate in completely awkward and frustrating ways.

Trust me on this.

7YO: Mom ,why are there razors in the shower? I mean, who uses them? and for what?
Me: Well, they are to shave my legs... and armpits.
7YO: You have hair in your ARMPITS
Me: No, I shave it
ME: Yes it is, and itchy, which is why I shave it.
7YO: Sooooooo....
Me: Yes, you will grow hair in your armpits
7YO: Do I have to shave it?
Me: Well, not if you dont want to, but it might get itchy... and hot and sweaty and smelly (neglected to mention here that either way it will probubly be all those things)... on the other hand once you start shaving it, you can't really stop, because it itches
7YO: You just said it would be itchy if I didn't shave it
Me: I know, but I actually don't remember what it is like to have hair there so I could be lying about that part.

A few years later...

9YO: When do I have to start shaving my armpits?
Me: Ummmm, I'm not sure I really want you playing with razors yet... why? do you have hair in your armpits?
9YO: Maybe
Me: Let me see
9YO: NO, thats weird...
Me: Weirder than asking me when you need to start shaving it?
I can see that this conversation is going nowhere anyway so why not play along right? Also, somewhere in the back of my brain I am realizing that I am actually going to have to show my 9YO how to actually USE a razor at some point in her life, regardless if that time is today or not. Now THAT is weird.
9YO: (shows the 2.5 hairs in her armpit) ?
Me: Not yet
9YO: Wheew... thats good, because I just wanted to make sure no one could tell.

10YO: Mom, can you get me my own razors?
Me: For what?
10YO: To shave with
Me: To shave what with?
10YO: Hair
at this point I realize that we have reached THAT stage. Where EVERY. SINGLE. CONVERSATION. is like getting a bikini wax, they make no sense whatsoever and are very painful to get through no matter how long they last.
Me: I am going to jump right in and say this is for legs and armpits, and yes I can get you your own, and please do not TOUCH my razors ever, ever, ever, because it's just gross... and I guess I will have to show you how to use one so you don't cut yourself.
I am now having flashbacks to the day I decided that I had waited long enough to shave and asked my best friend (who had never shaved before) to come and sit in the bathroom with me while I tried to shave my legs for the first time, even after my mom said NO. It was a few liters short of a bloodbath thanks to neither one of us even contemplating the use of soapy lather.
10YO: Ummmm... that might be weird
Me: Trust me hon, we are in for much weirder conversations than this. Wait till you have to ask me to buy pads and tampons and Noxzema.
10YO: Huh?

It is at this point in my life, that something struck me. I was going to have to buy pads, and tampons and Noxzema. It also occurred to me that I might actually have to explain all the gross little details about how to actually use these things (except for the Noxzema which is pretty much like shampoo for your face and therefore self explanatory).


This is why I am glad I thought of these things back then. You will be too. Don't wait until doomsday to buy pads and explain how they work. TRUST me you will be glad she knows just what to do, and she will be much less embarrassed about telling you she actually needs some of her own.

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