No computer, not necessarily a problem

I haven't done this in a long while.

I'm not sure I even remember how.

I think... It's like knowing how to ride a bicycle (which I do), in that you never forget.

There was a time in my life when this blog was very relevant and helpful to my mental well being and then I changed, as we all do, and I moved on to other adventures.

I spent time doing things I liked more, or hated but were necessary.

It's been a few years now that I haven't had a proper computer (even now I'm writing this in the notes on my phone), and I used that as an excuse not to come here.

The longer I put it off, the easier it became to stay away.

I knew that I couldn't be the person I was when I started all this. I don't think I fit into any of the molds I used to subscribe too and the online world has become bigger.

I've spent my time on Tumblr reblogging things that make me happy, just to be able to remember them, but I wasn't creating much of my own.

I spent time on Facebook, feeling connected to those I already love, weeding out my friends list of those who don't give me what I need.

I spent time on Twitter and Instagram to fulfill my need for instant gratification and ego boosting.

I watched some important and life affirming videos on YouTube (and some just plain stupid ones too).

But none of that was about me.

It was for me.

I forgot that blogging used to be both.

It was about sharing myself and inventing myself and following the rules and breaking the rules and learning about the community of humans living on the crust of this planet.

I think I miss writing, I think I miss sharing, I think I miss feeling the power I have over my words and ideas.

I think a lot.

I think my thoughts get lonely up there battling each other in my head and want to come out and visit other thoughts.

So here I am.

Changed and changing,

Invented and inventing,

Powerful and empowered,

Learning, loving, hating, fangirling, geeking out, falling over, getting up, and moving forward.

I will not be keeping my old format.

I will not promise to do do anything but exactly what I want.

I will share when I want.

I will link some of my favorite things when I decide they are my favorites.

I will slowly construct a sidebar that makes sense for me, but for now I'm pretty sure all those links over there work.

I will endeavor to be real, and not sugarcoat my fandoms or my feelings about things.

I hope that I will find this new adventure as satisfying as I always used too, and I hope you will too.

There's an app for that... or not.

Why is it so hard to find a mobile app that works the way I want?

As a professional event coordinator (among other things), all I want is a reliable mobile app that will help me keep my clients, vendors and tasks in order. Easy peasy right? WRONG. There are about a BAZILLION websites that I loooove and work really well for what they do, but none of them have a functional app that does what I want.

For wedding and project planning there is nothing better than the knot.com and planningpod.com, but the knot's mobile app is directed at the bride herself, not the planner. Planning Pod's website is perfect, but no mobile app.

So what's a girl to do?

Event coordinator! Not wedding planner...

I have the worst time explaining to my friends what I do as the manager of a bed and breakfast that hosts weddings. I swear they all think I am a wedding planner and the only problem with that is that some of my brides do too!
The problem with that is that they all expect me to help them actually plan the wedding and as a venue coordinator I just don't have the time. How do you explain to someone that meeting and coordinating vendors at my venue does not translate into me helping you pick our dress?

Mood: tired and frustrated

iPhone 4s

Alright I know I am a million years late in getting myself an iPhone, but I feel like I waited just enough time to get one of the best versions available.

I can't stop playing with it, I've spent an atrocious amount of time browsing the app store and downloading way too many apps just to turn around and decide I don't like them and delete them. It's like the past 10 years worth of Christmases all wrapped up into one really big awesome celebration. If I had a million dollars I would buy this exact same phone and then put the rest in savings. I love it that much.

Now, I need some help from all you amazing people out there:

1. Tell me your 2 favorite apps that I may not have found yet

2. What is your favorite accessory? and where do you get cool cases for a reasonable price?

3. What is the safest and most durable case you have found for a reasonable price?

I'm counting on you friends!

Awkward conversations no one really wants to have

While I am certain that there are a million awkward things moms and dads will have to talk to their little boys about I don't actually have one so I am sticking to what I know. Awkward, and sometimes frustrating conversations with tween to teenage girls. Odd area of expertise, but since I now have a 12 going on 40 year old soon to be teenager I have been through many an awkward conversation.

Oh young one, stay small forever!

I would like to take the time here to say THANK YOU to my wonderful mother who can clearly see the future and predicted every single one of these conversations with her the fictional granddaughter by announcing "Someday you will have a daughter, and I hope she is just like you" curses. I am most definitely getting EXACTLY what I deserve.

If you have a darling daughter who has not yet reached the tween - teen years yet. Formulate your plan of attack carefully. These things come in stages, creeping up on you in seemingly harmless conversations and will one day culminate in completely awkward and frustrating ways.

Trust me on this.

7YO: Mom ,why are there razors in the shower? I mean, who uses them? and for what?
Me: Well, they are to shave my legs... and armpits.
7YO: You have hair in your ARMPITS
Me: No, I shave it
7YO: GROSS
ME: Yes it is, and itchy, which is why I shave it.
7YO: Sooooooo....
Me: Yes, you will grow hair in your armpits
7YO: Do I have to shave it?
Me: Well, not if you dont want to, but it might get itchy... and hot and sweaty and smelly (neglected to mention here that either way it will probubly be all those things)... on the other hand once you start shaving it, you can't really stop, because it itches
7YO: You just said it would be itchy if I didn't shave it
Me: I know, but I actually don't remember what it is like to have hair there so I could be lying about that part.

A few years later...

9YO: When do I have to start shaving my armpits?
Me: Ummmm, I'm not sure I really want you playing with razors yet... why? do you have hair in your armpits?
9YO: Maybe
Me: Let me see
9YO: NO, thats weird...
Me: Weirder than asking me when you need to start shaving it?
I can see that this conversation is going nowhere anyway so why not play along right? Also, somewhere in the back of my brain I am realizing that I am actually going to have to show my 9YO how to actually USE a razor at some point in her life, regardless if that time is today or not. Now THAT is weird.
9YO: (shows the 2.5 hairs in her armpit) ?
Me: Not yet
9YO: Wheew... thats good, because I just wanted to make sure no one could tell.


10YO: Mom, can you get me my own razors?
Me: For what?
10YO: To shave with
Me: To shave what with?
10YO: Hair
at this point I realize that we have reached THAT stage. Where EVERY. SINGLE. CONVERSATION. is like getting a bikini wax, they make no sense whatsoever and are very painful to get through no matter how long they last.
Me: I am going to jump right in and say this is for legs and armpits, and yes I can get you your own, and please do not TOUCH my razors ever, ever, ever, because it's just gross... and I guess I will have to show you how to use one so you don't cut yourself.
I am now having flashbacks to the day I decided that I had waited long enough to shave and asked my best friend (who had never shaved before) to come and sit in the bathroom with me while I tried to shave my legs for the first time, even after my mom said NO. It was a few liters short of a bloodbath thanks to neither one of us even contemplating the use of soapy lather.
10YO: Ummmm... that might be weird
Me: Trust me hon, we are in for much weirder conversations than this. Wait till you have to ask me to buy pads and tampons and Noxzema.
10YO: Huh?

It is at this point in my life, that something struck me. I was going to have to buy pads, and tampons and Noxzema. It also occurred to me that I might actually have to explain all the gross little details about how to actually use these things (except for the Noxzema which is pretty much like shampoo for your face and therefore self explanatory).

Awkward.

This is why I am glad I thought of these things back then. You will be too. Don't wait until doomsday to buy pads and explain how they work. TRUST me you will be glad she knows just what to do, and she will be much less embarrassed about telling you she actually needs some of her own.

How writers block can freak out your friends

Writers block is a bizarre thing, it drives a person crazy thinking about what to write. In my case most of the time there is never a lack of things to write but the opposite of having too many thoughts and not knowing where to start.

That is when I journal things, random weird things. Things that would definitely paint me in a weird and slightlty crazy (and sometimes corny) light. So I of course do not write them out loud. This is when I get frustrated and begin to read. This is when I devour books like a honey badger on a snake. Then I start thinking about the things I am reading in juxtaposition to things in my real life... then weird phone calls get made...

J: (answers phone after series of frantic texts from me) Yeeeesss.
Me: If you woke up tomorrow and were presented with an impossibly bizarre set of clues that led you to the conclusion that I was somehow missing and if you followed the clues you might find me, and I may or may not be there, and I may or may not be dead would you follow the clues anyway?
J: (hesitant) Umm... Ummm
Me: I am not crazy, drunk or on the verge of killing myself if that helps you in your decision making
J: Then Yes?
Me: Good... also would you still follow those clues if you thought I was a smurf? You know like if in finding me, you would be finding me as a smurf
J: Yes, I would want to see the other smurfs
Me: This is how I know you are my friend, not only because you answer my ridiculous hypothetical questions at 9:00 at night, but you do it with complete seriousness and don't think I am crazy.
J: I didn't agree to the not crazy part.

Extra points if you can guess what book I just finished before making this call.

The Story of Us: Part 4 Tragedy in my small town

There is no point in retelling a story that someone else has already lent lovely words to, so I will instead give my reflection to the events of the past 3 days.

Recap: A wonderful woman, mother and teacher was kidnapped and murdered, leaving behind a beautiful 2 YO boy. Full story HERE courtesy of ABC News.

My Facebook feed has been difficult to look at the last few days to say the least. As you all know I am a lover of words and these two shining beacons have made it into the copy, paste, save hall of fame for me today:

The Forward Thinker 's touching article and Pastor Becca's words of wisdom. You all know I am not a religious person by any means, but I happened to have grown up with Pastor Becca my whole life, shared more bread and juice with her than many of her followers have and I can't say I believe there is a more decent and kind person from my past that I trust with my heart this day, so take it from an atheist, the blog post is more than worth the read (she is also quite funny and most of her blog posts are extremely entertaining).

and that sentiment was resounded by many on my comment wall, then a table turned, almost as swift as the grief had come so did the certainty of what we needed to do:

and today? after a restless night, I have wiped away my tears, but not the heartache just yet, and say this

The Kingdom is in mourning, but we will soon rise up and hunt for the darkness that did this and shine the light of justice until no shadow is left behind. Maybe the evil doer in our scenario believed us, Notheast Kingdom, small town, nobodies to be the meek, but if that old saying is true? We will inherit this earth and we reclaim it NOW.

Hiatus

It's official.

I have to take a break.

I tried to keep on with this and everything else in my life right now, but I can't.

I will return. I just don't know when.

My Momma always says "Choose your battles", I choose not to fight the writers block and stressful nights thinking about where I will find the time. Blogging should be fun, not a fight.

See you on the other side.

xoxo - Siobhan aka Kiwivandal

The Story of Us, Part 4

After a really great visit with a good friend this weekend I have been doing some thinking about my life, or more appropriately liveS.

We had some pretty deep conversation, about pretty much everything (and some pretty shallow conversation too). I love catching up with friends, not as much as actually being able to hang out with them all the time, but we do what we can.

Anyway, as I embarked on my hour and a half drive back home my first thought was "I feel like I have lived 5 completely separate lives". I know weird right, but think about it...

1. I was a kid, I had family and grew a bit, started school met some people I have no idea who they even are now.

2. I started school, grew a bit, made some friends, had some adults in my life, did homework. I never see these people and don't really remember a whole lot about them now either.

3. I began  middle school. I met some real friends, talked, learned to use the phone, grew a bit, made my mom regret I learned out to use a phone, people passed in and out teachers, adults, coaches what not. I have no idea what these people are doing now.

4. I went to high school, I made some mistakes, made some real friends, learned stuff, dressed funny, learned to drive and made some real memories. I had TIMES people.

5. I started real life, kept a few friends, lost touch of almost all of those high school people, met my family, grew, got jobs, met friends, made connections, changed, had babies, got married, started a blog.. blah blah..

Each one of these "ME's" feel so separate now... like they could have been different lives completely from the one I am living now. It feels weird...

I may be on the verge of an existential crisis...

It's the little things

Like LEGO's that can really turn a cold crappy day into a fun happy day.

Lili's fortress

Dad's ship

Mom's dreamhouse

The Story of Us: Part 3

I have no idea how many parts this story is going to have, and just to clarify this is the story of me and my people and my life so far. My memories, however scattered, and the great joy and terrible beauty my life has brought me. It may also contain great sorrow and pain, but life is like that sometimes.

There was a moment, a terrifyingly LONG moment when I was a child, around 8 I think, when I got into my bed and sitting on my pillow was the most GIGANTIC grey spider I had ever seen in my life.

I had never really been fond of spiders, it's something about their long spindly legs, like they could reach out and grab up my whole existence with them. The house I lived in then had a circular driveway, and a little front porch that was literally crawling with the beasts.

I had never really been up close to a spider before that (that I remember anyway). Upon arriving home on any given summery afternoon I would make sure I had a tight grip on my items and a clear path to the door and I would run full tilt, head down into the door and pry it open as fast as possible to get into the house. Safely inside the front hall I would go about my business of getting an afternoon snack or whatever was on the docket for the afternoon. Never thinking about them again, until that day.

That day my brain decided it would think that there was NOTHING more scary in this whole wide universe than a spider. It would decide to fill me with dread even thinking about them. It would take a very long time to get to sleep that night, and for many nights after.

As the years wore on, I would learn to tolerate the eight legged freaks so long as they stayed at a distance, never moving. When the little came along, the hubbs said "You better learn not to screech like a banshee or your kids are going to be scared of them too". I have tried, believe me friends, I have TRIED. For the hubbs, for the kids, but sometimes, the fear gets the better of me.

What are you doing in 2012?

I am not really a resolutions kind of gal.
I used to make them, and then I realized that I tend to break them by the end of January.
I think I am more of a goals kind of gal. I love to make lists, lots and lots of lists. I like to organize things, and I like to plan (even if my plans don't always go as planned). I have always wanted to make on of those birthday lists like 29 before 30 or 32 before 33, but I haven't gotten around to it and honestly I'm not sure I can actually think of 32 things I want to do all at once. I know I want to make a bucket list, but I've never gotten around to that either. So for 2012 I think I will start a new tradition (for me), and make a list of

12 things to do in 2012

1. Make a bucket list
2. Organize my photos
3. Move into a new house
4. Throw an awesome themed birthday party for both my children (separately)
5. Keep up with the Ultimate List of Fantastic things to do with Friends
6. Get back to doing a Today's List
7. Get a new camera
8. Visit one new place I have never been before (after I get the new camera)
9. Write a letter to everyone I know
10. Create time to play with my children
11. Sew something from a pattern, patiently
12. Start saving money

Well, I think that's a good start. We'll see how it goes, if I can even cross 3 or 5 off that list I will probably be pretty happy.

What are you doing in 2012?

It 's been a very long week. The kind of week that makes me wonder WHY? Why do we do this to ourselves? Why do we force ourselves to create this silly holiday? Why can't we just buy people things whenever we feel like it? Why save all our money up and spend it all at once? We have plenty of other things we could be buying with all that money, like groceries, clothing, new snow tires... whatever. I'm so glad it's over.

I do love to see my family and friends and have a whole day where I know my kids are going to be totally happy. 

Lili got a wooden tool set to play with grampa Joe and real safety glasses! She was super excited.

Autumn got a Nook with a pretty pink cover and she was super excited.

I got some pretty fuzzy new slippers and I was super excited.

The hubbs got a fun Cuponk game and he was super excited (he was actually more excited about the new PJ pants, weirdo).

I hope you all had a wonderful holiday full of wonder and laughs and general good will.

The Story of Us: Part 2

Dear Santa,

32 years ago my life began.

27 years ago my brother was born.

26 years ago my sister was born.

13 years ago I met and fell in love with my husband.

12 years ago I became a mom.

3 years ago my youngest daughter was born.

I have counted these years in smiles and laughter, in tears and sorrow.

I have counted these years in jealousy and vanity, in selflessness and humility.

I am so lucky to have spent my life being loved.

For Christmas this year, I wish for all those who I have known, and those I will never know, to know love in some small way. To know family in some small way. To understand the years counted mean nothing without the moments lived in joy.

Love, Me

The Polar Express

"Maybe Christmas" he thought "doesn't come from a store"
"Maybe Christmas... perhaps... means a little bit more!"
- How the Grinch Stole Christmas, Dr. Seuss

This year, our Christmas is going to mean A LOT more. We have decided that it we have all finally graduated into adulthood. We are only giving gifts to the 'littles' this year, and my brother, sister, husband and myself no longer count.

The best part of us saving our money and not giving each other all gifts is that we can spend it on making sure we DON'T go into holiday debt, and we have a little extra cash to start some new holiday traditions.

Like riding The Polar Express (or the North Pole Express, which is what they call it, because I think it's copywrite thing).

 Mema, Lili, Autumn, Auntie Steph, and myself all take our seats.

Lili and Autumn wore PJ's and Autumn was sporting her Perry the Platypus slippers. I'm going to be totally honest with you I WANT these slippers.

 This girl looked so excited to be serving us scalding hot chocolate on a bumpy train ride

The conductor came by and punched our tickets and the engineer was reading the Polar Express. We sang 

carols, had hot chocolate and gingerbread cookies, and when we reached the North Pole Santa and Mrs. Clause came aboard and gave us candy canes and a REAL SLEIGH BELL.

BEST $25.00 EVER SPENT.

Happy Turkey Day, it was a good spread.

Unbelievably there is a whole other counter with meat and pie and more stuff on the table... 

I. AM. SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. FULL.

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ.......

Wordless Wednesday: On the way to work

Halloween (very clever title, I know)

If you have been reading for a while you know that I live in a small rural town in northern Vermont.
If you have been watching the weather you know that 3 days ago we got some snow and that it's darned cold up here right now. However, we in the Northeast Kingdom are no stranger to bad weather and no amount of snow or cold is going to deter this town from celebrating Halloween.
One of my favorite things about living here is that we have traditions, certain things that bring us all together like a family. The stars and stripes, homecoming, a genuine 100 year old football rivalry, snowflake festival, relay for life, and many others. Halloween is no exception. The whole town does it's best to get into the spirit, businesses give out candy and stay open late. All the houses in the village decorate and everyone (adults and children alike) dress up and get into the holiday spirit.

Autumn would not let me get pictures of her Cleopatra costume, apparently she is "too old" for that...

This year started out like all the others, searching for costumes, carving pumpkins, getting the yard decorated. On Halloween though, 2 big things changed: Autumn went out trick or treating for the first time with just her friends and the Hubbs took Lili without me. I stayed behind to do candy duty this year (we went through 19 bags!). I was so nervous about letting Autumn go alone, it was one of those moments where I caught a glimpse of my future, her learning to drive and going out on a date, and I wasn't sure I liked it.

The tanning salon and mattress shop put up a little haunted house for the little kids

The graveyard at our house, those lights are actually orange...

This growing up things is getting harder everyday, when did your kids first start doing things on their own? is it normal to feel so lost?

A playdate with Dad

Dear Hubbs,

There are so many moments in our lives that I will remember forever. You might be surprised to know they are not holidays, or anniversaries (not that I don't love those too). They are days like this:

That I will always cherish forever. When you run and play and laugh and smile with our babies (even though they are growing up so fast). Thank you for making our lives full of fun and laughter every day. I love you.

The story of us, part 1

Up in the back bedroom in my moms house there is a huge walk-in closet filled with my sister's clothes, my vintage typewriter, tons of shoes, a bookshelf and 3 large avon delivery boxes.

Inside those boxes are the sparking gems of childhood. Every wonderful thing my brother, sister and I ever made when we were little. The contents of those boxes have changed over the years, we pruned and purged things as we were growing up, carefully curating our childhood with only the best of the best. Journals, projects, papers, photos, drawings, school projects, momentos. Every few years mom will ask us if we want to save them, we always answer YES. It may be a little selfish to keep boxes of stuff we hardly ever look at, taking up valuable storage space, but those boxes are so much more than a bunch of stuff.

They are the monarch butterfly life cycle projects that taught us how to look at the world with wonder. To marvel at nature and the amazing things that happen without any human help at all.

They are the books we wrote in second grade writers workshop, that taught us how to take the vastness of our imaginations and share it with others. To use words to describe our hopes and dreams to the world, and ourselves.

They are the baggies of streamers and ticket stubs saved to remind us of the dances, concerts and plays. Social milestones that helped to shape our ideas of love, friendship and sometimes heartbreak.

My mom was a very clever lady, she knew the vast amount of total junk every kid creates. She understood that not every A+ spelling test from 3rd to 7th grade could be saved. These boxes were a stroke of pure genius. Each of us only got one box, and the cover had to fit on. We knew we had to be careful with our choices of what to keep and what to throw away. We had to choose our moments carefully.

Thank you mom, for always teaching us to look for the best in things and to see the extraordinary in the mundane.